Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
