Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
one two three fourrrrnication!
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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