Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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