nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
