even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
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