I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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