Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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