My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
