we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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