That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
