Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
