Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
