But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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