Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
