he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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