my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
