I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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