Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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