i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize