Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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