Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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