Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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