someone get that fucking seahorse.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
