Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
