Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
