I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
