This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
