walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
whose parrot is this?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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