never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
