Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize