I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
