I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I wear drunk well.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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