Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
