upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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