You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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