If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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