How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
