I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
