That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
