I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
