I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Randomize
