I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so explain again why im purple
no
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
