he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
