just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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