I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
