Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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