I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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