I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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