I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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