peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
