I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
