I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
