Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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