She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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