Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
