Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
